Friday, March 13, 2015

I hate miscarriage.

8 years ago today, we welcomed Ben.  What a miracle.

Today is my little boy's 8th birthday, and I am trying to be cheerful.

I found out last night that a friend is having a second trimester miscarriage... or maybe a premature delivery... not sure what the right thing to say is... she is in the hospital right now.  A person I know through RCA had the same thing happen this week.  And another Catholic mama in my circle, K, laid her baby to rest this month too.

I just hate miscarriage.  There is no more eloquent way to say it.

Mine was over a year ago.  After five healthy babies, I lost one for the first time.  When I realized what was happening and saw the blood, I started screaming.  I just lost my mind.  I already loved Blaise, and could not bear to know I would never get to raise him and be his mama.  My kids would never play with him.  His life was over before he got to live.

I have gotten better over the last year... especially in the last 6 months.  But it never goes away.  And the sounds that came out of my body... pure, unabashed grief and loss... are still echoing in my ears.

Thinking of my sweet friend going through that right now, I just can't... no words can describe.  I can't stop crying.  We prayed for her baby, and after some scary times in the beginning, I thought this baby would be okay.  I can't begin to describe the hurt and pain, and I am so far on the periphery.

Praying for peace and acceptance.  He gives and takes away.

I don't know that I will ever be brave enough to try again.  To my friends who have said goodbye more than once, I can't put into words how much respect I have for you for still standing.  I feel like it would break my spirit.  Just once for me, and I still feel broken.      

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Bess Fwenn

Did some product photography today, with some help from my favorite little model. She always says, "Mama, you're my bess fwenn!"  I soak in every moment with her.

She ended the evening on her 'tage, singing her new favorite song: Werewolves of London.  Seriously.  She had to take a couple of breaks to squeal at Sophie for throwing off her groove.  Remind you of anyone, Lindsay? ;)

I'm still just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping to be better soon.

Friday, January 2, 2015

My Itsy Bitsy

Yesterday, we spent just doing chores (mainly my much-larger-job-than-I-anticipated homeschool room redo) and relaxing.  The weather here has been so cold and rainy, all week!  While they would have loved to go play outside, we spent all day inside and bundled up in warm jammies.

Alice found the stash of rainbow mini candy canes, and ate about 10 all together.  I'm always thankful for anything she will willingly eat.  Oh yes... we are still struggling, even after 2 YEARS of feeding therapy and a surgery.  ;)

She is my little ray of sunshine.  I love to hear her sing, and the way she says everything.  I've never had a child her age without already having another baby... it's kind of like she gets to be my itsy bitsy for that much longer than the others did.  She gets to stay our baby.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Here We Go!

Here are five reasons why my life is wonderful.

We took this photo on the way to Christmas Eve Mass, and it was cold for these Houston babies!  I consider it a good omen that I have a decent photo of all five of my kids with absolutely NO photoshop head-swapping/compositing for the first time since Alice was born.  

We had a bumpy start this morning, but Adam turned it around by taking us out to Rainforest Cafe and seeing the new Annie movie at the theater.

My only New Year's Resolution is to write here everyday.  It's going to take me a long time, but I will, one by one, transfer over all of my Facebook postings and photos here too before I make it a skeletal thing.  I don't want Facebook to be my only family record anymore.  ;) 

Happy New Year!