Saturday, February 15, 2014

Finality


It was a hard day.  I was feeling very sad... missing my baby Blaise and wishing I could still have him.

I woke up this morning, feeling pretty good.  I felt rested, for the first time in... wow, two years or more.

My health is improving so rapidly.  It makes it almost more difficult... knowing it wouldn't have taken THAT much time or effort to be well, so I could have carried my baby safely.  I am up to 80% lung function already.  My wheezing has decreased by at least 50%.  I'm actually able to sleep without waking in scary coughing spells all night... I have much more energy.

Oh, how I wish I would have taken better care of myself and not let my lung issues/asthma get so far out of control over the last couple of years.  I would do anything to go back and fix this.  

I had the final confirmation from my OB... I am no longer producing HCG.  My pregnancy is truly, truly over.  I know how illogical and silly it is... but I was still hoping somehow with the most childish of fantasy thinking, that there would be some miracle and I would still have Blaise growing inside my womb.  I had it all envisioned so prettily... the doctor would say my levels were so high and I needed a second ultrasound... then, she would see my little baby growing and everything would be okay.

It is truly, truly over and done.  And my heart is broken all over again.

I may be a little unusual in my grief, though.  Seeing other babies doesn't make me sad.  I want to hold all of them, and I do every chance I get.  Being around other babies is healing to my heart and soul.  I don't feel jealous or angry... I feel happy that there are so many beautiful babies in my life.  

I just wish mine could be here this summer, too.

1 comment:

Tia said...

I went through that SAME wishful thinking. Those damn HCG levels... :( I know what that is like. ((hugs))