Friday, February 7, 2014

February 7th

Image Copyright Lerin Photography, 2013.
We lost our sweet baby on Monday.  This was our sixth child.  I was still in my first trimester, and hadn't even broken the news yet since I was worried this would happen.  After being so sick for such a long time with all the respiratory stuff, I apparently had every reason to be concerned.  I only threw up a few times with this baby, which for me, is unusual too.  If I could do it over again, I would have told everyone the day I saw those two pink lines as I usually do.  It would make me feel less lonely, I think.  I want the world to know that, for however brief a time, we had a sixth child.

My heart is so, so broken.  I didn't know it was possible to be this sad.  I am just now at the point where I even have the strength to share this news.  I didn't understand before when my family & friends went through this, and wanted to be alone and not to talk for a few days.  Now I do.  The grief is so all-consuming, so big, so deep... there are just not words.  The way I've cried this week, Adam didn't even recognize the sound of my crying.  There is nothing in my life to compare to this.  Being with my other five babies is a blessing, but it also just reinforces exactly what we lost.

We both firmly believe that life begins at conception, so our little one deserves to be recognized as an eternal soul who is waiting for us in Heaven.  We named the baby Blaise Augustine.  Blaise after his "birth" day feast day, St. Blaise on Feb 3.  Augustine after Adam's grandpa Gussie, and another wonderful saint.

Adam is, as ever, so very compassionate.  He helped me through the physical trauma, now he is helping me through the emotional part.  I know he is hurting too, experiencing a wave of emotions like I am... sadness, guilt, regret.  It doesn't matter what you know "logically" when it comes to a parent's broken heart... your baby has died, and you find reasons to blame yourself.   

My doctor was wonderful, so kind.  She delivered four of our other five.  She asked about the older kids by name, and told me how sorry she was.  I needed compassion but also, professionalism and answers to my broken-hearted questions.  She was there for me.  I will never switch OB's, especially after this.  I know she sees this all of the time, but she treated me as if I was the only one and that our baby matters.

It looks like everything is happening on its own, so I will not need a d&c, God-willing.  That is my continued prayer.  I don't want to go through that procedure on top of everything else.  I will be tested again in about 10 days to make sure this is all over.  Part of me wants everything to be finished as fast as possible, and part of me wishes that there was some way to have a miracle and still have my baby.  I am sure that's just a way that I am coping.  

It isn't fair to have so much physical pain along with the broken heart.  I had no idea miscarrying was so painful.  It makes sense... after all, my body IS in labor.  Just too early for my baby to live.

I sent a mass email with this news to my parents and siblings yesterday.  That was so lame to send news like this by email but I hope they understand.  I can't bring myself to talk about this yet.  It is so, so raw.  I am still having a hard time not crying every 10 minutes.  

I blocked out the world for the last four days.  I can't eat, can't sleep... I am just so, so broken.  I have heard my phone ringing, and never pick up.  I have emails and messages, and don't answer.  I can't, yet.  I am expected at work Monday, and can't imagine how I will stand in front of a group of second grade darlings, when I can't even reliably be trusted not to start sobbing out of nowhere several times an hour.

Adam is back at work, but thankfully, the weekend begins tomorrow and I will have him here for two more days.  I don't want to see or talk to anyone but Adam and my kids right now.

I don't know how to do this.  Please pray for us.  This truly is the worst thing I've been through personally... even worse than my first marriage crumbling on a foundation of lies & abuse... the divorce and all that.  It doesn't even compare.  I could always imagine how devastated I would be and empathized with my sisters/friends on that foggy shadow of understanding. However, going through it myself... this is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced. I have cried like I never cried before. It makes me feel like I never really was sad before... like comparing an elementary school breakup to a divorce.

I will do everything I can to get healthy, so this hopefully will not happen again.  The kids know.  Sophie sat stoically with a few tears silently down her face, then asked to be excused to her room.  Bella wailed and wailed, and layed in bed crying with me for 30 minutes.  Ben cried hardest, but then asked to play on my tablet about 15 minutes later.  Telling the kids that our baby was an angel instead was the worst. A REAL PERSON who we already LOVED has died, and we are devastated.

Also in the nicest way possible, I would ask that you not say any of the following to me right now:  "This too shall pass,"  "Everything happens for a reason,"  "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," God has a plan," "You can always try again," "At least it was early/at least you have other kids" etc.  I don't believe it is God's will for me to lose my baby.  The oft-quoted Jeremiah 29:11 about God's plan was speaking for Israel, not for each individual person on earth.  If God had meticulously planed our lives, every little detail, that means we don't have free will.  I reject that as a lie from Satan.  God is not a masochist.

I, from the depths of my soul, KNOW that He can and will bring good things to us even in the dark, but I don't think He planned to take my baby away.  And yes, I probably will have more children one day, but it won't change the fact that I will miss Blaise Augustine & wonder who he would have been for the rest of my life.


Anita Rex said...

I am so sorry Lerin and Adam and family. Have you read Heaven is for Real? I really encourage you too. I won't say why so you can find why. And I agree God only wants the best for us. It is not Gods will or planning to lose a child. And the saying God doesn't give you more than you can handle isn't in the bible it was said by Mother Theresa (who I respect). I pray that you rest your burdens on The Lord and know that one day you will meet Blaise.

Chryshelle Spurgeon said...

I am so sad for you. I am sorry you are dealing with an unimaginable heartbreak. I am here if you need me. I love you.


jodi said...

Lerin, I am so sorry! Thank you for sharing your heart & your sweet baby with us. I'll will definitely be praying for your entire family as you deal with this individually & together as a whole family.

jodi said...

Lerin, I am so sorry! Thank you for sharing your heart & your sweet baby with us. I'll will definitely be praying for your entire family as you deal with this individually & together as a whole family.

keeshaobrien said...

So sorry for your loss. Positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Prayers for healing as well.

Good Timing said...

Sending you my love. I know what I dark, dark place this can be.

k cooper said...

Lerin, we will be praying for you. We lost our daughter Grace on December 16. We didn't tell many people either as we needed to grieve in piece. A dear friend sent this prayer for us and I prayed it for you and Adam.

Heavenly Father, I come before You on behalf of Lerin and Adam as they grieve the loss of their little baby. We know that all things are sifted through Your fingers we trust You in what you allow to happen in our lives, for the furthering of the Kingdom through Your working in our lives so we may become more like You. I pray, Father, that your gentle Spirit will rest upon Lerin and Adam and fill them with Your peace that passes all understanding and Your hope for what You can do in the midst of our pain. I ask that You will allow them to grieve and to be present in this moment so that the loss can be felt and worked through, rather than be pushed down and suppressed. I ask that you will surround them with patience from others as they take time to mourn. Protect them from careless words from others. Help the children to mourn as well, and feed their minds with Your healing words. May they be a source of encouragement to Lerin and Adam. We are so very thankful, Lord, for each beautiful little soul You have placed in our keeping, no matter the length of time we have them. Our children are truly a blessing from You and we count each one as important and divinely created as the next. From You all blessings flow. From You all life is given, and taken away. From You we receive all power, strength, joy, peace, comfort, healing, hope, faithfulness, goodness, love...everything we need to be and do what You have called us to, no matter how hard the task may be. Thank you, Father, for Lerin and Adam. For the passion that they have to live life in and through You. To use every opportunity to reveal Your Truth and goodness. Bless them now with the healing balm of love from Your perfect hand. We love you and ask all these things through the name and the blood of Jesus Christ our Lord. 

Kelly said...

Sorry for your loss :( sending you hugs!

Neen said...

I can't wait to know your child in the Eucharist, as he is now part of the communion of saints. God Bless you in your human loss and in heaven's glorious gain.