Monday, October 14, 2013

Summertime Sadness

I know it's October, but I still have so many summertime favorites.
I have lots of good things to talk about, and adorable photos of Bella, and beautiful memories of her 8th birthday.  And I will, perhaps tomorrow!  I need to download the pictures and share soon.  :)

In the meantime, I have to get some things off of my congested chest.  ;)

While I am thankful to God that I don't have cancer, I am so tired of being so sick.  This Halloween will mark two years... TWO YEARS... since I got knocked out by pneumonia followed by appendicitis in pregnancy with Alice.  My body has never recovered.

I have been in and out of the hospital, ER's, doctor's offices... on so many steroids that have made me swell up like a balloon, and I don't even fit in my "fat day" clothes anymore... that have thrown me into full-blown mania at times!  I cough to the point of vomiting on a regular basis, and can't even commit to going anywhere because of the coughing spells. Despite the exhaustion, I can't sleep most of the time.  We found out that I have a chronic condition and I have an AWESOME doctor helping me to treat it, but the side effects are almost worse than the illness itself.  It's so embarrassing to be passed a cough drop at church by strangers, to have people ask me if I am "going to be alright."  I'm in constant pain.  I know it doesn't compare to the cross that some people bear, but I just wish I could breathe normally again!

All that being said, I'm just trying so hard.  I have five kiddos who desperately need a healthy mommy.  I have a small business that I need to help support the family, especially as we keep getting hit with medical bills.  I am also homeschooling and teaching 2nd grade at the hybrid academy.  My daughter is still being diagnosed, but may be on the spectrum.  The physical and emotional toll this takes on me and my family... it is a lot, a lot.  ;)  I feel so sad for Adam and the kids when they have to do "fun" things without Mommy because I can't come.  I feel so much guilt for not being able to handle the home on my own anymore.  I am trying, really trying!  They are all such blessings to me.  :)

I definitely feel I am on the right track, but I need prayers to get well.  I can't go on this way, always so tired and so sick.

I also would like to hear from any Katy-area photographers who are interested in sharing a lease through June 2014.  I just can't handle the extra expense right now, as I can't work enough to pay the rent with all the things I have going on.

I offer all of this up to God for the salvation of souls, particularly those with no one else to pray for them.  And I pray for God's will to be done in my life.  If I am to be healed, I pray that I will be able to dedicate my renewed energy toward His will for my life!  :)  If I am not going to be well, I pray that I will be able to endure the suffering with grace and accept it as part of God's plan to get me to Heaven with Him.  :)

I *am* happy, and fulfilled, and content.  The smile you see on my face every day is not faked.  I have peace in my heart and my life is very good.  But for whatever reason, I don't talk about the hard & painful parts of my life with anyone.  I want to change that.  Not to bring anyone down, but because I have so many people willing to love me and share the burden through prayer and listening ears.

1 comment:

brettincasie said...

Looks like I spoke too soon :) Thank you for the update, and I'm glad to know that you are doing well even while you struggle. Love you so much and I will pray those things with you.