Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Latest

It's late, and I can't sleep. The house is quiet and my babies are sleeping... which gives me lots of time to think. When I think too much, I know it is time for a blog update, to get it all out of my mind and "on paper" somewhere.

First, my Bella is 6 as of October 10th. I didn't get to do a lot for her, because I was really ill (more on that in a second!) but I think she had a special day anyway. Can not believe she is 6. Just can't.

So where have I been? Oh, you know me... I vanished for a month again. I'm fine now... just couldn't breathe for awhile! To make a long story short, the wildfires last month sent my allergies into overdrive, and I can't take the good stuff to kick it out when I'm pregnant. So it turned into a sinus infection... and again, I can't take the good stuff when I am pregnant to knock it out. Add that to a renewed surge of vomiting 3-4 times a day, and the dehydration and exhaustion didn't help me fight it off. That nasty infection turned into bronchitis, which after a couple of weeks, turned into pneumonia. I had a turning point on Sunday, and am not coughing as much right now AND can only sometimes hear the wheezy-rattle in my lungs. I call that progress. :)

Thanks to the latest round of unpleasantness, I finally hit my breaking point. I did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself. Really, truly... I was beyond depressed. I felt lonely and overwhelmed and just terrible. I felt like this illness, this nausea, and this pregnancy would NEVER end.

I tried to clear my plate a bit, to help with these feelings... and because I physically could NOT do everything I was doing before.

I did either refund, refer, or defer all photo sessions until the Spring. That has been difficult for a lot of reasons, not the least of which, financial! I absolutely cannot believe how much we've come to rely on the photography money for all the "extras." And since this summer, I've been continuing to do the "extras" without having the extra money to pay for it. I feel like an irresponsible child! We have a lot of cuts to make (again) and it's going to hurt.

My mom is basically taking over most of my duties of the house to help me rest as much as I can. I still insist on being the one to take the kids to all of their various places and to do the shopping, etc. I know she is here to help and constantly reminds me, but, like I do with even my closest friends,... I just withdraw and try to carry my burdens alone.

Boundaries... it's always about boundaries.

Not only do I keep the bad stuff "in", but I refuse to let the good stuff "in" too. I don't even talk about it when I am having a hard time, until it is over and I am explaining why I was so distant. I try to stay cheerful and engaging even when I am going through a hard time, because... um... I don't know. I don't know why I am afraid to need a shoulder to cry on, or to ask my girlfriends to help me... or simply accept when they offer. I am surrounded by people who love me and genuinely care, but I can't seem to let them. I am afraid of putting anyone out, or being a bother, or losing a friend. I lost the best friend I ever had during my last rough spot, and I am just too afraid to let that happen again. It's just the most pathetic thing in the world when I see it all written out like this, but I can't candy coat it!

(I know... I obviously need therapy. I don't think a public blog is the place to put all of this stuff. But when do I have the time for therapy?)

Anyway... all that said... I try to think about people who really DO have a hard life. Those who are hungry, or unloved, or unwanted. Those who suffer burdens I can't begin to imagine. I try to remember that my life IS very good. Even when I can't breathe and am throwing up and have too much on my mind... my life is very, very good. I live in a safe and comfortable home. My husband adores me and I love him back. He has a good job. My children are healthy, gorgeous, and happy. My children go to excellent schools. I don't have to worry about providing them with everything they NEED... food, clothing, shelter, and lots of love & attention. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends, who for whatever reason, still love me. I have excellent medical care and while things are bumpy with this pregnancy (pun intended!), I also have faith that everything will be fine in the end.

All of this is going to be worth it, when I see my sweet little Alice Caroline. Or Leo James. We'll get through it as a family and the reward will be great.

In the meantime, I do plan to use my blog as a little steam vent. If it bothers you to hear me whine or makes you worry about an impending nervous breakdown, please do us both a favor and don't read here! Stick to my Facebook status updates and pray for me, instead. :) I promise if there is anything seriously wrong, Adam will get help for me.

Thanks for listening, even when I am a hard person to love! I feel a lot better getting all of this out and having a good cry over it. :)


beccasfamilyof5 said...

Your babies are stunning and looking so grown up here!

I truly love the names you have picked out for this lucky little baby!

Sorry to hear you haven't been too well with the allergies, they are bad enough at any time.

Good to see you back. x

Kristen @ St Monica's Bridge said...

Leo James? I thought it would be Paul for a middle name...but I love Leo James (it's one of my boy names too!). And Alice Caroline is SO cute! Even though I openly rooted for Gemma, I think you picked the right one :). And don't worry about being a hard person to are one of the easiest people I've known to love. Since I found out we were both due about the same time with Lucy and Will I have loved you fully as I have my friends I have had for years in person. God gives us people we need to love. I'm so glad he gave me you :)

Sarah said...

Oh Lerin, I love your honesty even in the midst of your own trial and heartache. I can't imagine being in your situation. Yes, I know you are not asking for pity, but seriously anothers' situation can tend to put your own in perspective.

Pregnancy can be a tough time and when you have as many obstacles as you have, it's perfectly understandable that it feels like it's taking FOREVER for baby to arrive.

Feel free to vent and feel free to find that safe shoulder(s) to lean on that are close to you. Know that it is for your own health of mind and body.

In the meantime, I'm keeping you and little Alice or Leo (too cute, BTW) in my prayers and hope these coming weeks move by swiftly. I'm just two weeks behind you, so we'll be celebrating wee ones before we know it again :)

Many, many {{hugs}} and much love from MN!!

Errin said...

Awwww....honey I love and miss you like crazy!! I know you are strong, but those that love you want to not only be there to help you, but also just want to be with YOU :) You have my number should you need me, want to vent or just need someone to hang out with for the day!


Maggie said...

There are many posts that I write where I feel I should include the sentence, "I probably need therapy." And I honestly probably do. When I read your words I feel they could be my own.

I wrote a post a while back about my melancholic attitude and was hesitant to publish it because I was afraid of what others would think. I was overwhelmed by all the support and love I got in response to it.

You are not alone in your sadness. Neither am I, even though it sure does feel like it. Give yourself a break- you are a busy woman with 4 gorgeous children and one on the way. Plus you have been ill! I don't think I would be able to handle it, so you are already a super hero in my book.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lerin,

You probably do not remember me, but we were pregant together when I had my youngest daugther Cloe. She is 2 years and 3 months old now. Or maybe it was when I was pregnant for my second son Michael. My memory isnt the greatest lol! I knew you from the Catholic Answers pregnant mommies forum. I was just reading your blog, and I can't even imagine what you are going through with these health issues while you are pregnant. I pray that God will bless the rest of your pregnancy with health and peace. How exciting to be having number 5!