"Abuse victims are always the best actors. They have to be, to live their whole lives with the pain and shame, pretending there is nothing wrong. It's the greatest performance of all."
Thursday, October 20, 2011
It's late, and I can't sleep. The house is quiet and my babies are sleeping... which gives me lots of time to think. When I think too much, I know it is time for a blog update, to get it all out of my mind and "on paper" somewhere.
First, my Bella is 6 as of October 10th. I didn't get to do a lot for her, because I was really ill (more on that in a second!) but I think she had a special day anyway. Can not believe she is 6. Just can't.
So where have I been? Oh, you know me... I vanished for a month again. I'm fine now... just couldn't breathe for awhile! To make a long story short, the wildfires last month sent my allergies into overdrive, and I can't take the good stuff to kick it out when I'm pregnant. So it turned into a sinus infection... and again, I can't take the good stuff when I am pregnant to knock it out. Add that to a renewed surge of vomiting 3-4 times a day, and the dehydration and exhaustion didn't help me fight it off. That nasty infection turned into bronchitis, which after a couple of weeks, turned into pneumonia. I had a turning point on Sunday, and am not coughing as much right now AND can only sometimes hear the wheezy-rattle in my lungs. I call that progress. :)
Thanks to the latest round of unpleasantness, I finally hit my breaking point. I did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself. Really, truly... I was beyond depressed. I felt lonely and overwhelmed and just terrible. I felt like this illness, this nausea, and this pregnancy would NEVER end.
I tried to clear my plate a bit, to help with these feelings... and because I physically could NOT do everything I was doing before.
I did either refund, refer, or defer all photo sessions until the Spring. That has been difficult for a lot of reasons, not the least of which, financial! I absolutely cannot believe how much we've come to rely on the photography money for all the "extras." And since this summer, I've been continuing to do the "extras" without having the extra money to pay for it. I feel like an irresponsible child! We have a lot of cuts to make (again) and it's going to hurt.
My mom is basically taking over most of my duties of the house to help me rest as much as I can. I still insist on being the one to take the kids to all of their various places and to do the shopping, etc. I know she is here to help and constantly reminds me, but, like I do with even my closest friends,... I just withdraw and try to carry my burdens alone.
Boundaries... it's always about boundaries.
Not only do I keep the bad stuff "in", but I refuse to let the good stuff "in" too. I don't even talk about it when I am having a hard time, until it is over and I am explaining why I was so distant. I try to stay cheerful and engaging even when I am going through a hard time, because... um... I don't know. I don't know why I am afraid to need a shoulder to cry on, or to ask my girlfriends to help me... or simply accept when they offer. I am surrounded by people who love me and genuinely care, but I can't seem to let them. I am afraid of putting anyone out, or being a bother, or losing a friend. I lost the best friend I ever had during my last rough spot, and I am just too afraid to let that happen again. It's just the most pathetic thing in the world when I see it all written out like this, but I can't candy coat it!
(I know... I obviously need therapy. I don't think a public blog is the place to put all of this stuff. But when do I have the time for therapy?)
Anyway... all that said... I try to think about people who really DO have a hard life. Those who are hungry, or unloved, or unwanted. Those who suffer burdens I can't begin to imagine. I try to remember that my life IS very good. Even when I can't breathe and am throwing up and have too much on my mind... my life is very, very good. I live in a safe and comfortable home. My husband adores me and I love him back. He has a good job. My children are healthy, gorgeous, and happy. My children go to excellent schools. I don't have to worry about providing them with everything they NEED... food, clothing, shelter, and lots of love & attention. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends, who for whatever reason, still love me. I have excellent medical care and while things are bumpy with this pregnancy (pun intended!), I also have faith that everything will be fine in the end.
All of this is going to be worth it, when I see my sweet little Alice Caroline. Or Leo James. We'll get through it as a family and the reward will be great.
In the meantime, I do plan to use my blog as a little steam vent. If it bothers you to hear me whine or makes you worry about an impending nervous breakdown, please do us both a favor and don't read here! Stick to my Facebook status updates and pray for me, instead. :) I promise if there is anything seriously wrong, Adam will get help for me.
Thanks for listening, even when I am a hard person to love! I feel a lot better getting all of this out and having a good cry over it. :)
at 12:10 AM