Monday, August 22, 2011

Bella's First Day of Kindergarten

Something has changed.

It started when we got her hair cut last week.

Suddenly, those big blue eyes that she has grown into became GIANT eyes that I remember peering from her tiny face as a sick baby. She seemed so fragile then. She was just so little and helpless.

The haircut completely changes how I perceive her. Those eyes stand out again, no longer eclipsed by long brown curls.

Last night around midnight, Bella was crying inconsolably and I had to take her back to bed. When she woke up, she was giggling with Sophie again but as the morning went on, she got quieter and quieter.

When we parked on a neighborhood side street to walk into the school together, she said one thing: "I'm scared."

Her hand clutched mine tightly, and she didn't say anything else until we got to her classroom. Not even goodbye to Sophie. I walked her over to her name, and she sat down. I tried to get some "smiley" photos and stay upbeat, but her hands were in little nervous fists and she only gave my half-grins.

I squatted next to her chair for the next ten minutes, just rubbing her back. The bell chimed, and the principal urged us to leave the classroom and let our babies start their day. Mrs. J, the kindergarten teacher, came over to Bella and told her it is okay to be scared. She said that Bella could hold Peter Rabbit and give him squeezes when she felt afraid. I kissed her and told her I would see her soon.

It took EVERY ounce of strength I had to hold my own tears in until I had a private moment.

Before I walked down the long hall, I turned one last time and snapped this photo of my tiny girl.

My baby... my little tiny fragile baby who needed her Mommy so much... today, I had to let go a little bit.

I don't know that either one of us were ready for this day.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Oh, Bella...that photo made ME cry. Break my heart.
I hope the day and the adjustments in the coming weeks get better both for your tiny girl and mama.

Good luck!